Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
