If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
