2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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