My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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