i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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