So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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