Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
