I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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