there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
