I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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