she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
