I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
