You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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