everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
