I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
