I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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