At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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