How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize