Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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