I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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