1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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