I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
