What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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