So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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