Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
