Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
