Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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