god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
