____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
