the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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