Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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