i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
