yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
