he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
