so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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