Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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