I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I smell like Dick and happiness
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
