I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
