You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
