i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
