i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
