did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
