He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
