that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize