Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
