i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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