my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
