Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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