I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
