i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
