Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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