you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize