Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize