I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
