Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
