All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
