I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
