i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
