the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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