I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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