So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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