Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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