when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think a kid would responsible me up
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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