I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize